a new day

It’s early Saturday morning.   I did drink last night, but stopped early and drank plenty of water after.  So I think I kept any drunken behavior under control.   Not that I ever get too rowdy (unless you count passing out on the sofa).  I stayed awake for a little while, but once I sit on that sofa it begs me to lay down on it and fall asleep.

Yesterday’s operation one diet mtn dew failed. But, I just drank the last one at the house and I only have a couple left at the office.   So I’m just going to try really hard not to buy anymore.  Simple enough?  I’m not sure about the Spark (I’m drinking one right now).  I like the caffeine, but not the fake sugar.  I’m trying to get away from that stuff.  I’m almost out and not sure if I will re-order.

I’ve decided after yesterday’s post that I needed a meal plan.  Pinterest has all kinds of pictures of people with their weekly meal plans spread out on the table.  Maybe if I have everything pre-made I’ll actually eat it?  So here’s the plan:

  1. Breakfast – egg and cheese mcmuffin – last night I baked up a dozen eggs in a muffin tin so I’d have little round cooked eggs to make a sandwich.  It turned out pretty good.  I think I can stick to it.  The eggs are in the freezer, so I can just pull one out the day before.
  2. Snack #1: greek yogurt
  3. Lunch: chicken, broccoli, and quinoa – not sure about this one.  I don’t really have a recipe.  I’m just going to throw it all together and hope it turns out ok.  I saw something similar on Pinterest with rice, so I figured replacing with quinoa would work out well.  We’ll see.  The chicken is in the oven now, I guess I’ll get to the quinoa and broccoli soon.
  4. Snack #2: green apples with almond butter.
  5. Dinner: Hopefully something sensible.  Last night was a bust – nachos from the local BBQ place.

Today things are looking up.  I’m hoping today will be a good day.

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not sure where to go from here

I’m still drinking.  Not a 6 pack a night, but enough to make me pass out on the sofa every night while my husband watches basketball.  I feel like there is a middle ground there that is possible, I’m just having a hard time finding it.

On the other hand, my health situation sucks.  My eating is terrible.  I start the day with a Special K meal bar then suck down at least 4 diet mtn dews and a Spark.  So I’m super pumped up on caffeine all morning.  I think it’s the only reason I’m able to get any work done!  I’m scared to see what my productivity would look like without it.  Then I work until 2:00 and skip lunch.  Usually I come home around 3:30 and munch on a bag or 2 of Cheese-its then wait around for dinner.  Usually drinking a few beers.  I’m in a terrible cycle that I need to break.  I hate to be gross, but I have had terrible gas for a couple of weeks now.  Things are just not right inside me.

Tomorrow I’m going to try to make a few changes.  First off, I will start off with one diet mtn dew and Special K bar.  Then on the way into work I’ll drink that Spark.  I’ll bring a water bottle to refill throughout the day.  I know me – even if I’m not drinking caffeine all day – I’ll still want to be drinking all day.  Then I made a little tuna salad that I’m going to make a half sandwich with for a quick lunch.  I better eat it outside – I don’t want to stink the place up.  I also have a few pieces of fruit leftover from an edible arrangement that my husband sent me earlier in the week, so fresh fruit is good.  Then in a couple of hours I’ll leave the office and pick my son up from school.  We usually eat out on Friday nights, so who knows what will come of that.  I need to keep the drinking under control tonight.

I thought about doing the Advocare 10 day cleanse, but the husband is putting his foot down and saying no.  He says it messed me up last time when I did the whole challenge.  I don’t remember that.  He says it really affected my mood – so I guess that’s his nice way of saying it turned me into a bitch.  He says I just need more fiber and yogurt in my diet.   I do have the fiber in the cabinet since he takes it, so it’s ready to go in the morning.  I had some yogurt smoothies that I bought a couple of weeks ago (that I didn’t drink). But they have expired.

My future plans: see how I do on the one diet mtn dew and one Spark plan.  Hopefully I can eventually cut that diet mtn dew out completely.  Start buying yogurt and see if the husband is right.  I guess I can replace that Special K bar that tastes like a chocolate candy bar for yogurt.  Continue drinking water at the office all day.  Eat lunch – need to try to find more lean protein and fruits and veggies.  The veggies are the hard part.  Maybe I can sneak some spinach and tomato into a tuna wrap.  That actually sounds yummy right now.   I have the tuna and spinach, but no wrap or tomato.  Maybe I can sneak some spinach onto my tuna sandwich.

Things I’m happy about right now:

  1. Friday is casual day at work and I can wear jeans.
  2. It’s 3:00 am, I still have 2 and a half hours a sleep I can get before I have to shower.
  3. My husband is driving my son to school this morning, so I can get into the office earlier (is that a good thing?).
  4. And this picture:

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starting over

The new sober date is May 4, 2014.  I had a very strong idea last night.  I drink for a lot of reasons.  I’m bored, mad, sad, happy, it’s a pretty day, etc.  But the number one reason I drink is because I am looney.  I’m a lonely 37 year old woman with no friends or prospects.   Anyone at work that might fir the bill also drinks, so that idea is out.  I also have social anxiety discarder, so that makes it harder to meet people.  I used to think drinking helped my anxiety, but it didn’t, it just made me look like a stupid drunk.

Last night I wanted a beer so bad.  My husband was drinking a brand that I don’t usually care for, but it was so hard to watch him enjoy it.  While I drank my yummy diet sierra mist.  I don’t know how I’m going to stay sober with him continuing to drink in front of me.  I don’t think he has much faith in my sobriety.

I cried my commute into work this morning.  No real reason, just a mixture of hating going into the office, feeling lonely, and being an alcoholic.

I did try to personalize my desk at work a bit with a few pictures and plants.  I guess since I’ll be there 4 days a week now I should make it as cozy as possible.

I’m still reading Gabby.  She’s lost me for the moment, but I’m sticking with her.  Today’s affirmation is “I turn my perception of my body over to the care of my inner guide.  Show me what you got.”  I don’t really get it.  I need more insight on how to be happy.  She needs to write more about that.  That’s what I’m missing – happiness and friends.

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not a good day

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I woke up Saturday morning early and in a great mood.  The weather was beautiful, and I was going to take advantage of it.  I ran a few errands with my son and came back home to meet up with my husband.  We had a few errands to run ourselves.  It ended with me on a patio drinking a couple of beers.  Things seemed great.  But I guess my buzz wore off and the rest of the day was a disaster.  I tried to salvage it with a couple of Klonopin, but I’m not sure they are helping.  I almost think they make me sad.  I guess I need to talk to to doctor about that one.  I felt an overwhelming urge of loneliness today.  I needed to go shopping to return a dress, but no girlfriend to go with.  My daughter wasn’t even home.  Went alone as usual.

Now it’s 2:30am Sunday morning.  I have to work in a little bit, so I know that’s weighing heavily on me.  Maybe once I get this morning’s work completed I can turn Sunday into a great day.

As you’ve probably guessed…

As you’ve probably guessed by my lack of posting that I’ve fallen right off the wagon.  Nothing major, just a beer here, a glass of wine there.  I had a couple of beers with dinner last night.  I’m just not sue how I feel about the drinking thing right now.

In good news, I went to a kundalini yoga class this week and it was amazing.  Things at work may be moving in a positive direction.  I’m still following Gabby Bernstein and enjoying her book.

I’m still on my journey, I’m just not sure if that journey includes alcohol or not.  I’m a little confused right now.

Spark

My Advocare Spark arrived.  I’m super pumped.  It’s some kind of wonderful energy drink.  If you want more info just Google it, everyone’s talking about it.   I’m using it as a way to taper down the diet mtn dews and also as a special treat for myself (since I can’t treat myself to beer anymore.).  I had some weird news at work today that I won’t get into but I came home and drank a spark instead of a beer  I guess it hit the spot.

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Spirit Junkie

Last night I started reading “Spirit Junkie” by Gabrielle Bernstein.  I had the day off today, so I just finished it.  A few thoughts – I’m not sure how I feel about “Gabby”.  On one hand I love her positivity and want that for myself so badly.  But on the other hand, she seems a little fake.  Her stories didn’t go in deep enough for me.  But it was a good 24 hour read and I’m glad I read it.  I am still reading her book “May Cause Miracles”, so I haven’t totally written her off.  But I do have to give her major credit for one thing - she has reintroduced me to something that I love.

It seems she’s into kundalini yoga.  Over 10 years ago I was searching for anywhere to take a yoga class in Birmingham, AL.  Back then it was hard to find.  I did find a small kundalini yoga class in the back room of the Golden Temple, a small health foods store.  I had no idea what I was getting myself into.  I expected downward dog and cobra, but ended up with chants and breath of fire.  But I loved it from the start.  But it was in an inconvenient location and a difficult schedule.  So I stopped going.  But I emailed them last night and they now have classes 4 nights a week and one of the same teachers teaches there.  It’s still in the same location at the same time, but maybe I can make it at least one night a week.  It’s what I need in my life right now.  Something is missing and I think this can at least help fill it.  Namaste :)

I also made a trip to the grocery store and didn’t get any beer.  Progress.